Seriousness Was Never An Option
by soulkitty14
Summary: A T and Q production! What Charles and Erik are really thinking throughout the duration of X-Men: First Class. Script format, Charles/Erik


((A/N: We were watching X-Men: First Class together and...this is what happened. Q as Charles and T as Erik. It starts when Charles is training with Hank.))

**TRAINING**

Charles: Y U NO IN OLYMPICS HANK? ALEX, GO TO YOUR ROOM.

Erik: NO NO NO, THEY SHOULD DUKE IT OUT LIKE MEN. PUNCH HIM SON!

Charles: STOP ENCOURAGING VIOLENCE! THERE IS NO FIGHTING IN THIS HOUSE!

Erik: GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN.

Charles: :C

Charles: _(offers sammich?)_

Erik: _(eats sammich)_

Erik: _(pushes child off satellite)_

Charles: WHA NOOO. WHY?

Erik: It's for his own good, Charles.

Charles: Go do chores.

Erik: No u.

Erik: A WILD SATELLITE APPEARS!

Charles: Eriiik, I'm missing out on Oprah. Will you adjust the satellite for me? Please?

Erik: Oh, alright.

Charles: Here, have a childhood memory.

Erik: Oh thanks. That helped.

Charles: It was BEAUTIFUL! _(tears)_

Erik: Yes well..._(manly tears)_

**SOME THOUGHTS ON MOIRA**

Erik: Oh, there's that bitch. I forgot she lived here too.

Charles: _(makes sammiches and tea for everyone)_

Erik: _(enjoys these things)_

Erik: _(forces children to enjoy them too) _YOUR MOTHER WORKED HARD ON THESE!

Charles: _(is the best wife evar, y/n?)_

Erik: Y!

Erik: In fact, it's night time right now. Want to be an even better one? Go get champagne. ;)

Charles: Anything for you dear. _(gets champagne)_ Chess?

Erik: Time for our foreplay!

**THE FIGHT**

Charles: LISTEN TO ME!

Erik: NO! STUPID WOMAN. I KNOW BETTER

Charles: NO PEAS? WHYYY?

**HANK'S TRANSFORMATION**

Charles: IT'S A FURRY!

Erik: NOOOOOOOOOOO! I'LL PROTECT YOU FROM IT, CHARLES!

Charles: SAVE MEEEEEE!

**RETURN OF THE SUBTITLES**

Erik: Oh here are the subtitles!

Charles: Yay!

Erik: NOT THAT I NEED THEM! I CAN SPEAK ALL THE LANGUAGES EVER!

Charles: TEACH ME DARLING!

Erik: Read my mind, baby. You'll learn them.

Charles: Ooooh, I have permission~

Erik: You ALWAYS have permission ;D

Charles: Oh baby ;D Did I mention I love you?

Erik: NOT ENOUGH. MORE LOVE PLEASE.

Charles: I LOVE YOU. SO MUCH.

Erik: I LOVE YOU TOO DARLING.

**GOOD PARENTING AND LAST NIGHT**

Charles: Hey baby. You thinking what I'm thinking? ... Oh yeah, you are.

Erik: We're about to send our boy into the world. I'm so proud. But I won't show it.

Charles: I'll show him several times over to compensate. How's that?

Erik: Good enough.

Charles: I'll stay right here. In his head. With him. Because I love our children.

Erik: Well darling...That's not healthy. They won't always have a safety net.

Charles: THEY WILL ALWAYS HAVE ME.

Erik: Alright well. You have fun with that. I'm gonna go lift a sub.

Charles: Do be careful, my love!

Erik: I will.

Charles: Remember. Remember last night ;D

Erik: Oh. That seems to be working very well.

Charles: It does, doesn't it. I'm so proud of you!

Erik: Thank you, dear.

**WHEN WHIRLWINDS ATTACK**

Erik: OH NO! DUCK, SWEETIE!

Charles: NO COME WITH ME!

Erik: I'M A MAN! I CAN TAKE IT!

Charles: DROP IT!

Erik: I DON'T WANNA!

Charles: I'LL PROTECT YOU! I LOVE YOU!

Erik: NO I'LL PROTECT YOU!

Charles: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLPPPPPPPPP!

**ALWAYS TIME FOR A QUICK ONE**

Charles: Well, everything seems to be working. Now that we had that quick round ;D

Erik: Yes, that was nice, wasn't it?

Charles: Now on to business!

Erik: I feel rather refreshed.

Charles: Man enough to do what must be done, yes?

Erik: Of course!

**NAGGING TELEPATH WIFE**

Charles: I'll stay with you.

Erik: NO!

Charles: B-but...

Erik: YOU'RE ANNOYING.

Charles: ...

Erik: I mean, I love you.

Charles: Oh. I love you too.

Erik: I'm totally not going to make any stupid mistakes. If you leave.

**THOUGHTS REGARDING ANGEL**

Charles: Oh yeah, I forgot we had that other kid that betrayed us.

Erik: Oh, right.

Charles: She is DISOWNED!

Erik: I agree.

**RADIO SILENCE (AKA ERIK'S MAKING A STUPID MISTAKE)**

Charles: OH NO. WHERE DID YOU GO?

Erik: _(silence)_

Charles: ERIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIK! _(cries)_

Erik: _(more silence)_

Charles: ERIK IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, BELIEVE IN THE LOVE! ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!

Erik: Sorry love, were you saying something?

Charles: ERIK I FOUND YOU! Keep doing good things, okay?

Erik: That's what I was planning on doing, woman! You don't need to tell me.

Charles: You know how much I worry.

Erik: Yes, yes, I know. But let me take care of this.

Charles: Be safe!

Erik: Yep. I will be.

Charles: Keep in touch!

Erik: Nope!

**CHARLES TRIES TO HELP. ALSO SHAW DIES.**

Charles: HERE LET ME HELP. I'LL HELP! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DON'T! LET ME IN! DOOOOON'T! DO GOOD THINGS! I LOVE YOU! STOOOOOOOO-

Erik: I LIKE KILLING NAZIS! :D

Charles: ERIK COME BACK! TAKE OFF THE DAMN HELMET! !

**SHAW PINATA!**

Erik: Oh hey, he's dead! Let's have a party!

Charles: _(brb passing out from exhaustion and oh that's right FEELING THE PAIN OF SHAW DYING)_

Erik: THIS IS OUR PINATA!

Charles: Oh wait no, I'm back. Eriiiik whaaat are you doing? _(sniffle sniffle)_

Erik: I'M DOING WHAT'S BEST FOR US, SWEETIE.

Charles: B-b-but...

Erik: I'M PROTECTING MY FRAIL WIFEY!

Charles: Love is all you need...This is not love :C

Erik: I LOVE YOU THOUGH! THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ME!

Charles: Eriiiik... :C

**ANOTHER DISCUSSION ABOUT MOIRA**

Erik: Who needs those humans?

Charles: ...I like Moira...I love youuuuu...

Erik: BUT I HATE HER! And I love you too.

Charles: But she's nice...

Erik: No she's not. She's a massive cockblock.

**THE PART WHERE HEARTS ARE BROKEN**

Charles: Nnnnnnnoooooooo Eriiiiik stooooop!

Erik: Baby, get off me.

Charles: GLOMP!

Erik: This is no time for sexy tiemz. I have to kill all these people.

Charles: _(is shot)_

Erik: oh shit...I DIDN'T MEAN IT BABY!

Charles: ..._(no words)_

Erik: Look I can't control bullets all the time! ;_;

Charles: Whhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Baby wwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyy

**THE DIVORCE**

Erik: MORE THAN BROTHERS. HOW DARE YOU TURN DOWN MY PROPOSAL!

Charles: Kiss it make it better.

Erik: I'M LEAVING!

Charles: Nooooooooooooooooooooo ;_;

Erik: I'LL BE IN MY MAN CAVE.

Charles: COME BAAAAAAAAACK!

Erik: OH AND I'M TAKING YOUR SISTER. HOW DOES THAT FEEL? YOU BITCH!

Charles: Iiiii loooooooooooove youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! Nooooooooooo im in paaaaaiiiiiiiiin. Coooooooome baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Erik: I'll come back to you one day, sweetie. You still need Cerebro 2.0.

Charles: I need you!

Erik: We can never be together. I'm sorry.

Charles: B-b-but...No. I love you.

Erik: This is the way it has to be.

Charles: But we're more than brothers...

Erik: For the good of our kind.

**RULING THE WORLD AND MIDGET KITCHENS**

Erik: Alright, when I take over the world, you can be my queen. How does that sound? I look pretty pimpin in my new outfit.

Charles: No. It can't work that way.

Erik: I can get you a matching one?

Charles: Erik. You have to believe in the good of the world. You have to hope for something.

Erik: I do have hope in something. That I'll rule the world. I just can't wait to be king :D

Charles: :/

Erik: Get over here, Nala.

Charles: You have to wheel me over. Because SOMEONE shot me.

Erik: I'll just pull you along everywhere. This is actually rather convenient. Now I know where you are ALL THE TIME.

Charles: Take off the helmet and then it's fair.

Erik: NO.

Charles: But now I can't beat you at chess! Which is like, the only thing disabled people do, apparently.

Erik: You'll survive. Maybe you'll actually learn how to play now.

Charles: Don't be like that :C

Erik: Get in the kitchen that I designed to be half the height of normal people. I had Extreme Makeover: Home Edition come over. I'm a very thoughtful husband.

Charles: It's haaaaaaard to make sammiches like this. Why don't you be the wife? Can't we trade?

Erik: No! I am manly man. You are womanly man.

**THE CHILDREN SITUATION**

Charles: What about the children?

Erik: We can have joint custody.

Charles: I can't take care of them properly like this. Come and help me.

Erik: Look, they averted nuclear war. I think they can take care of themselves now. And they can take care of whatever little kids you pick up on your road trip.

Charles: ...Can I have my sister back...

Erik: No.

Charles: I don't trust Alex or Hank with children...They're a little frightening. And then you stole Angel too!

Erik: No, she's been gone for weeks. I just reclaimed her.

Charles: And Banshee's just retarted.

Erik: Don't talk about your son that way.

Charles: I don't even know what his real name is, okay.

Erik: Sean.

Charles: Oh. Right.

Erik: You're a terrible parent.

Charles: Says the one that pushed him off a satellite!

Erik: THAT WAS FOR HIS OWN GOOD. I HAD A BACKUP PLAN.

Charles: :/ o rly

Erik: I wouldn't just shove our son off the satellite without making sure he was wearing metal, now would I?

Charles: Sometimes I'm not sure. You're kind of a scary father.

Erik: I have to be. You're too doting, like a mother hen. There needs to be some tough love or they'll never grow up.

Charles: There's nothing wrong with mother henning! They need some extra affection after you terrify them!

Erik: Eh, they were getting used to it.

Charles: You didn't even try to get Alex to stop picking on Hank.

Erik: Those two need to sort out their differences. You can't just let them go around avoiding each other. They can't avoid each other on the battlefield.

Charles: Why would there even BE another battlefield? The crisis is over now.

**THE PART WHERE WE GET MYSTERIOUSLY SERIOUS AND MAKE EACH OTHER CRY**

Erik: There will always be another battlefield, Charles. The war is already begun.

Charles: Don't say that around the children, Erik. There is no war. We just stopped it. No one is fighting anymore. It's over.

Erik: That is why I left, Charles. You're refusing to see what's right in front of your eyes. Or did you suddenly become afflicted with temporary blindness while the humans shot missiles at us?

Charles: Erik, stop it. That was a misunderstanding. They have to realize we saved them. We're humans just like they are.

Erik: No, we're not. We are much better.

Charles: You sound like Shaw. We're no better than anyone else, we're just a little different.

Erik: Charles, we're more than just a little different, and you know it. They'll never accept us, so why should we accept them?

Charles: Because we are the way we are to help them, to do good in the world! We can make the world a better place for all of us! Unity, Erik. It's all about unity and peace.

Erik: You're bringing up peace again? Really, I would have thought you'd learned by now. Peace is an illusion. It's a dream in the heads of men like you. It will never happen in the real world.

Charles: Perhaps you're right, but there's no way to know unless we try. We have to try. There has to be more than just pain and anger.

Erik: There's not enough serenity to balance out the anger, not when it comes to the whole world. Trying to control the chaos that's coming with civility would be a fool's errand.

Charles: Then perhaps I'm a fool. But someone's got to be positive. I can't just stand back and indulge in the bloodshed. I will fight to keep some sort of order for as long as it is possible. Because there are others like us who deserve the chance to choose their own future.

Erik: Yes, i imagine they will. I meant it when I said we could have joint custody. I'm sure some of them will agree with me. That's why I can't come back to you, Charles, for the very reason you just gave me for not agreeing with what I think. There has to be a choice.

Charles: I suppose you're right, my friend. I just wish you and I could be on the same side. I hope you know I don't ever want to fight with you.

Erik: Nor I with you. But if you fight for the humans, I won't hold back. Know that. As much as I care about our friendship, I just can't give up. I have to do what is right.

Charles: Then we understand each other. We'll both do what we feel is best. I wish you the best of luck, Erik, I really do. I hope you find some kind of happiness.

Erik: I'm not looking for happiness, my friend. That I know I can never find. Take care, Charles.


End file.
